You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
water it, i dare you
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The French word for sex is croissant.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?