[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
You Might Also Like
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something