How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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back to work
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles