Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.