[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
🤣could you imagine
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.