[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
You Might Also Like
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I WON A HAM TODAY