Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Noah was an idiot.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.