@eddiesteadyno: Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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@rhysjamesy: I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman's exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
@chuuew: [planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne