the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me