Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.