Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks