BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.