@graceupongracie: Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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@Abby__Rose: I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don't know if he was scared of what I'd do or thankful. Either way, amen.
@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@Mikecanrant: When I take pictures of cheese I yell "SAY HUMANS!" and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.