Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
You Might Also Like
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?