wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.