*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn鈥檛 order) like they鈥檇 met me.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
scientist: don鈥檛 touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you鈥檙e changing colors just tell me what you touched and i鈥檒l save you
me: [about to die] i didn鈥檛 touch anything i swear to god
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
HER: what鈥檚 your sign?
ME: i鈥檓 an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you鈥檙e back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don鈥檛 have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Calories don鈥檛 count – no one taught them Math.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that鈥檚 the biggest one
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Insomnia: she鈥檚 not going to sleep again and it鈥檚 all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I鈥檓 not right here
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye鈥檚 snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I鈥檓 running out of options here.