*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.