Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.