Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome