Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
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*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral