[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.