[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*