[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You Might Also Like
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Go girl power!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.