Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I love twitter
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now