Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
plant them where lol
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.