Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.