[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’