Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.