Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color