to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
You Might Also Like
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland