When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Fluff me with a fork baby
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.