Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me