Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end