Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*