[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.