Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
This will never not be funny to me.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
cyclists
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No