Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
me: my friends:
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.