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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!