(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
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I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery