Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I just love that new Pope smell.
12653.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
An odd boast