Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.