Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.