Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
A game married people play.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?