@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."

@rcromwell4: What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they're vegan?

@UncleDuke1969: Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

@Iwriteforcats: I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@ericonederful: They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that's true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.