Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.