Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.