MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.