man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
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Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
#SCOTUS one-star review
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.