Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
She was REALLY feeling it.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf