wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
The Onion called it…again.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working