My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
good for her
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.