Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
🤣🤣🤣🤣
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*